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acoa: adult children of alcoholics
- Are you preoccupied with fears of being abandoned or rejected?
- Do you have unexpressed anger about how you grew up?
- Do you spend a lot of trying to make other people happy at your own expense?
- Is emotional or physical intimacy hard for you to experience?
- Do you distract yourself from experiencing difficult emotions with sex, gambling, work, drugs or alcohol?
- Do you experience chronic feelings of shame and guilt?
The phrase “Adult Children of Alcoholics” (ACOA) describe people who grew up in environments touched by substance use and abuse. I also use the phrase “Adult Children of Chaos” (ACOC) with clients, as I believe that damage can come from many chaos producing forces: mental illness, or abuse and neglect of all kinds. The terms “codependent” or “codependency help describe relationships formed by ACOA/ACOC.
Regardless of what one chooses to call it, I think it is crucial that you understand what codependency is and what it is not.
- It is a cluster of human traits and qualities often shared by people who have grown-up in chaotic homes and families.
- It is not a medical or mental health diagnosis like diabetes, depression, or anxiety: it’s not a disease or disorder that can be treated with medications.
- Like most labels, ACOA/ACOC does not accurately describe everyone: there is a lot of variability.
While there is a great deal of individual variability among people whose development has been impacted by substance use/abuse, neglect, and uncertainty Adult Children of Alcoholics and Adult Children of Chaos commonly share these experiences:
- Sadness.
- An inner sense of anxiety, badness, defectedness, inadequency, and/or worthlessness.
- Inappropriate internal and external boundaries with people.
- Impaired judgment and decision making about significant relationships.
- An impaired ability to form and maintain healthy attachments to people.
- Difficulty trusting others.
- Being taken advantage of or exploited by significant relationships.
- Extremely compulsive or controlling, perfectionistic or rebellious.
- Clingy or overbearing.
- Withdrawn or isolated.
- “I am bad therefore I am alone; I am alone therefore I am bad”; “I must be in control”; “I must avoid conflict”; “I must be responsible for everyone’s well-being/emotions”; “I don’t need anyone”; “I must ignore my needs and wants”.
- “I must see the good and ignore the bad”; “I must see the good in others and focus on the bad in me”; “I must be close to someone”; “I must keep everyone at arms length.”
- Deriving one’s purpose or meaning from serving others exclusively, and feeling spiritually lost.
Taken separately, any one of these experiences or perceptions may suggest another medical and mental health issue. However, if you consider the whole cluster of perceptions and conclude that you experience difficulties within all or most of the categories, you may need to consult a mental health professional.
To deepen your ACOA/ACOC awareness and growth potential with an AHA!: ACOA/ACOC Tool Kit, please click to email Heath Hightower.