Awareness Happening Anytime, -nywhere!
anger
Do you feel irritable on a regular basis?- Do you feel enraged when something unexpected occurs?
- Do you yell, scream or hit when you feel scared or sad?
- Do you expect a lot of yourself and/or others?
- More often than not, do you feel disappointed by yourself and/or others?
- Do you frequently get your needs met by expressing anger?
According to the Random House Unabridged Dictionary (2006), anger “is a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong.” I think of anger as an intense, emotional experience resulting from perceived and/or actual physical and psychological pain.
From the definitions above, there are five key points to keep in mind:
- Anger is neither good nor bad: the actions that come from our anger can be.
- Everyone experiences anger: it is normal to feel angry sometimes.
- Anger has physical, psychological, and learned components.
- There is a continuum of anger experiences based on intensity ranging from mild irritation and annoyance to fury and rage.
- Anger can be managed and controlled by examining our perceptions, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors more mindfully.
Since it is very easy to assume that anger is bad, let’s look at normal experiences we’ve all had:
- You and your children are at the store and they relentlessly nag you to buy toys, candy, video games, etc.
- You arrive ten minutes early to a doctor’s appointment and the doctor is running 45 minutes late.
- You and your significant other have dinner reservations and there’s a crisis at work that cannot be delegated and it must be addressed now.
- You stub your little toe on the coffee table.
- As you back your car out of the garage you run over a piece of metal and get a flat tire.
- You and your significant other are talking about money and you feel like you are not being heard.
I bet most of us have had two or three of these things happen in one day! Now, the fact that reasonable people would experience anger in these situations does not give you a permission slip to express your anger anyway you see fit: you’re free to have your feelings but you’re not free to act on them destructively.
While it is true that anger is normal, there are a variety of anger styles that are not healthy. According to Ron Potter-Efron, MSW and Pat Potter-Efron, MS, there are 10 unhealthy anger styles:
Anger Avoidance: Fear that one’s anger will result in loss of control, rejection, punishment, getting stuck in the anger, and/or guilt.
Sneaky Anger: Anger that comes out in indirect ways such as forgetting promises or acting helpless: passive-aggression.
Paranoid Anger: Anger that occurs when a person sees negative qualities in themselves that then get projected onto others.
Sudden Anger: Anger that occurs without warning or provocation.
Shame-based Anger: Anger that is experienced when someone feels criticized, judged, demeaned, embarrassed, or ashamed.
Deliberate Anger: An exaggerated version of anger to get what you want and/or need.
Addictive Anger: Anger for the sake of intensity and/or excitement
Habitual Anger: Anger that is automatic, compulsive, and feels normal.
Moral Anger: Anger that derives from indignation, outrage, and injustice: real or perceived.
Hate: An intense, pervasive loathing of someone or something.
If you would like to further explore anger, the AHA! Anger Tool Kit will help you assess the nature of your anger and will equip you with anger prevention and management strategies.
To purchase your AHA! Anger Tool Kit, please click to email Heath Hightower.